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The Poems I Wrote When Hurting

All I want is to be strong

Because I still feel like the weakest person I know

And I think if I could just be strong,

No one will be able to hurt me

Because if I had just been strong then he wouldn’t have been able to hold me down and kiss my neck in a space that was supposed to be safe. I wouldn’t have froze out of fear as he was praised for taking chances and risks as an actor by pushing all of his weight on me and forcing me to the floor and kissing and touching and after

I felt like the one who was wrong

Have I been motivated to audition since?

It would not have happened if I had been stronger.

Because if I had just been strong then I could have stopped him when I said no please don’t

And HE DID IT ANYWAY

And I was too weak

I never hated someone so much as he fucked my shame into my childhood sheets.

I never hated myself so much

For being so weak

So a broken girl made a promise to the self she didn’t recognize

She would no longer be used

And she would become strong

She has come a long way, but she has longer to go

I am still so weak

And I just want to talk to someone. To have them see my tears as power. To help me be stronger.

To hold me in a way that makes me feel like a person

And reassure me

That I am strong

That I will get stronger

And I won’t have to be hurt like that again.

Somehow I have become a bad decision
a person beyond my own recognition
someone long past a chance of revision

When really I just want to be loved

And the more I see the same thing happen
you’d think that I would learn my lesson
love is just the kind of blessing

That isn’t meant for me

But see
I still long for a taste
a way
to feel something
to feel like it is a possibility
for me
someday, at least

That’s why I would have done
just about anything you asked

I told you
through tears
I didn’t want to be a regret

And you promised me
I wouldn’t

Because you cared about me
unlike all the people before

But I guess nobody cares about the tears of a whore.

Because that is once again what I’m reduced to
because I tempted you
into a mistake
that would take
you further from the girl you actually love

And the worst part is
I just want you to be happy
even if that’s not with me
because you deserve
a girl worth loving
so I hope the two of you find happiness again
and both of you finally understand
how fucking lucky you are
to love someone who loves you too

Because after all that I’ve been through
I know that isn’t the case
I’m a chase
a hunt
but not the one
you put before anyone else

And you can tell
me that I’ll find someone, someday
who thinks of me in that kind of way
because everyone says I deserve to be treated better
before they place that scarlet letter
right across my chest
because my breast
is probably something I show with ease
at best
I’m a fun tease
And I’ll still just be dropped after I’m brought to bed
whether intended
or not
and I just pretend
I can be strong again
and they were nothing more than a bore

Because how I feel
has no appeal

And nobody cares about the tears of a whore.

Pain doesn’t bother me so much
or maybe it does
but I won’t allow people to see
because nobody wants the actual me

Who is never enough
not to be loved
who, when the mask is shed,
and she can’t be tough,
is broken and shattered
a girl of glass

Who really isn’t more than a piece of ass
because even those who see
a side of me
that they don’t hate
wouldn’t actually want to date
someone like this
spare me your Ifs
they mean as little as a kiss
I don’t feel on my lips
but, for once, in my heart
and it meant nothing
because something else
was on your mind
someone
who even when done
still captures a heart
and being apart
just makes the pain worsen

I can only imagine being a person
who can be loved like that

Or even

At all

I’m used to loneliness, sadness too
feeling just all kinds of blue
I’m used to people disappointing me
but sometimes I still make a mistake and believe
that I can receive
something more
that I can be
someone
worth crying for

But nobody cares about the tears of a whore.

And I know you’d say no
that’s not how you see me
you’re not a regret
and yet
that’s exactly what you’re saying
without needing to say it directly
maybe to protect me
but I still hear
the meaning loud and clear

“I never should have let myself do this
I never should have been with you
laughed with you
or allowed you to dream
I never should have given you reason to seem
happy
I never should have
teased you
pleased you
saved you
and I’m through
with being the person who would ignore
his heart
for one time with a whore”

And I guess I regret it too
if it means I have to lose you
because you can say
we will be friends
but I don’t believe it

I’ve yet to see it

Someone who fucks me
and still wants something to do with me
platonically
who still can respect me
and not think of me as less
a mess
they fell for once
but not again
never again
not when there is so much better out there

Never was there someone who says they care
and actually does
enough to love
someone like me

Someone that would tell me I don’t have to hide
because they’d put their own pain aside
like I try to do
for you
and try on some of mine
and find
how broken I really am
how much I hate myself
how much I wish this hell
inside my mind
would end
so once again
a broken bird can taste the sky and soar
and they’d know what I feel down to the core

Except
that’s yet
to happen, for

Nobody cares about the tears of a whore.

I wish you the moon
and the sun and the stars
I hope that you soon
can reclaim your heart
it doesn’t matter that I was hurt
to me
my pain means nothing compared to yours
I don’t need you to see
me in the way that I see you
I just want to
be there
because no one ever was for me
and now that you are bound to leave
I will be forced to see
that dark and deep
loneliness again

And I’ll keep the pain locked away
even if it’s like I lied
you’ll never know how much I cried
I face these feelings without someone else

But for a time, just a short while
you were there to make me smile
to make me feel like I have a chance
at someday finding some romance
and maybe I won’t get to
because I know I won’t ever get you
but even through unintended lies
it was still nice to fantasize
for a little

Even if you hurt me
the bad decision
unworthy
of happiness
because while today was okay
it all fell apart
when you shared what was on your heart
and shut me up and shut me out
because you were just so clear about
me being something you shouldn’t have done
me being someone you shouldn’t have pursued
and instead of feeling used
I feel like it is my fault

Do you just not see the pain you sent through me?
Or realize what you were doing to me?
Because all that mattered was what you wanted
and more importantly
who you couldn’t have

It’s not like I’ll still try to be
someone you can see
in a romantic light
I’m far too tired to fight
and I can now say I don’t ever want
to be a person you settle for

As I cry alone
trapped at home

Still stupidly wishing for something more

Though I can see
Love’s not for me

And nobody cares about the tears of a whore.

Just be positive

Just be happy

You have so much to live for

Why are you numb

Why are you crying

Why are you always needing more

Don’t you see that you are hurting me by always being down?

Don’t you see that I’m uncomfortable when I must see you frown?

Just be happy

Just be positive

Don’t be so fucking sad

Anxiety is a state of mind

Not something that you have

If you just stop this sadness

Then it will go away

So change everything about you now

And then you’ll be okay

You’re just such a goddamn downer

And it really bothers me

Because I’m having a less good time

From your bad energy

And while I say I love you

And I swear I will forever

Just try to suppress this sad shit

Whenever we’re together

I don’t mean it like it sounds

Because I know it might sound harsh

But despite all these things wrong with you

You still have my heart

So don’t hold it against me

Just because you’re so sad

Overthinking everything

Moody, mean, and mad

But you must know you’re ridiculous

You really have to see

You have to stop this sad bullshit

‘Cuz it’s affecting me.

Does it sound bad to you?

To read it out like this?

Don’t worry, babe, I still love you

No resentment in my kiss.

But I can’t explain the pain I feel

When you say these words

That something I cannot control

Anxiety and hurt

Is something that I should just stop

Like it is up to me

Like I choose to be like this

I need you to see

I don’t want to be so sad

And always overstressed

I don’t want anxiety

To lead to an attack

I don’t want to be afraid

That you will want to leave

But when you say these kinds of things

How can I not perceive

It as a sign that there’s so much

About me you don’t like

You think I don’t know I’m the cause

Of every time we fight?

I know I have these issues

They make up who I am

And if I’ll ever conquer them

It’s not because I can

Just think some happy thoughts

And pretend that I’m not sad

Just suddenly be positive

Just suddenly be glad

What it feels like you are wanting

Even if it is not true

Is that I should think these bad thoughts

But not share them with you

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